Something has gone wrong with forgiveness. I can’t tell you how often I have wandered around lately, in a mental fog, trying to figure out what forgiveness should look like in personal and national settings.
The problem shows up when people say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Now let’s get on with business. It’s your job to forgive me. It’s time for us both to put this behind us.”
With a few well-chosen words, the tables are turned. Like a wrestler doing an escape and reverse, an offender regains the upper hand. His victims are now expected to forgive and forget. He might even remind them that according to Jesus, if we don’t forgive others, our Father in heaven won’t forgive us (Matthew 6:14-15).
Is there a way to be forgiving in spirit while still helping those who have hurt us to be accountable for their actions? The answers of the Bible might surprise you.
Although some wrongs are forgotten when we stop nursing them, other hurts are always near the edge of our awareness.
If we have been badly wounded, our inability to forget can cause us to feel guilty. We’ve been told that when God forgives, He forgets, and that if we really forgive, we’ll forget too.
But God doesn’t forget anything. From cover to cover, the Bible shows that God remembers the sins of His people. Both Old and New Testaments are full of stories that preserve forever the memory of His people’s forgiven wrongs.
When God says He will not remember our sins, He means He won’t remember them against us. He doesn’t write us off or consider us worthless because of wrongs we’ve done. Instead, through forgiveness, He releases us from a debt we could never pay and assures us of His continuing love for us.
Those who have confessed their wrongs are likely to ask, “Now that I’ve admitted my wrong, now that God has forgiven me, and now that the Bible requires you to forgive me, why can’t we act like this never happened?”
One answer is that forgiveness doesn’t require a return to business as usual. There may be results that are irreversible. God forgave Adam and Eve, and then removed them from the Garden. God forgave the anger of Moses, but wouldn’t let him into the Promised Land. God forgave David for adultery and murder, but would not let David have the child born of his adultery.
Forgiveness may allow for consequences. A forgiver may still wisely and lovingly ask for reasonable restitution, legal due process, a plan to avoid recurrences, and time to heal. Wise follow-through is often necessary if we are going to forgive and love well.
The Bible says that the story of forgiveness begins with God. He once and for all forgives the past, present, and future sins of all who accept the cross of His Son as payment for our moral debts. He purges our record in the courts of heaven and secures forever the legal acquittal of all who trust His Son. He offers unlimited “family” forgiveness to those who continue to confess “known” sins against the Father in heaven (1 John 1:9). This second river of forgiveness washes away family issues that have brought disagreement into our relationship with the Father.
With such immeasurable forgiveness in view, Jesus tells the story of a man who was forgiven of a multimillion-dollar debt, but who turned around and refused to forgive the debt of one who owed him a relatively small amount of money (Matthew 18:21-35). Our Teacher used the story to show how immoral it is for us to take mountains of mercy from Him and then to turn around and withhold a few shovels of that mercy from those who ask us.
The message is clear. As we have received immeasurable forgiveness from God, we are to allow what we have received to overflow into the lives of those who wrong us. Jesus said to His disciples, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4).
Because an angry, bitter spirit can be self-destructive, many believe that the ability to forgive is more for us than for the person who has hurt us. But if forgiving others is God’s merciful way of helping us deal with our own bitterness, why then does He add to our pain the difficult task of confronting those who have hurt us, and to forgive them only if they say, “I repent” (Luke 17:1-4).
Jesus doesn’t teach us to love our enemies and to forgive those who harm us merely to get the bitterness out of our own stomachs. Freeing ourselves of resentment is only part of what Jesus has in mind. Just as God forgives us for our sake, He asks us to join with Him in being part of the redemptive process in those who have asked for mercy. He asks us to do this not in our own strength, but by His grace working in us.
God lovingly withholds forgiveness from those who have not had a change of heart. Even though it saddens Him to do so, He will not forgive the guilt of those who knowingly refuse to admit their sin.
God’s example is our wisdom. He teaches us to be saddened by the self-centeredness of others, to lovingly confront those who have wronged us, and to let His love teach us when it is in the best interests of others to extend forgiveness or to withhold it (Matthew 18:15-17; Luke 23:34).
Father in heaven, if You were to hold even one of our countless sins against us, we’d have no hope. We can hardly begin to thank You for the forgiveness You have shown us. Please help us be wise in knowing how to share that same mercy with those who hurt us. Let us do so from the embrace of Your love and from the gentle grip of Your inexpressible grace.
