Kids suffer when their mom and dad divorce. They feel helpless to stop it and, sometimes, even feel responsible for causing it. Loving parents, though, want to help their children manage the emotional turmoil and confusion that happens during and after divorce. Fortunately, the Bible gives guidelines on how parents can help their children during troubling times like divorce.
Reassure them of your love. As God comforts and gives us a sense of security by reminding us that He is our loving heavenly Father who will never leave us (Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 139:1-6), divorced parents need to give their children never-ending reassurance that they are deeply loved and taken care of. Children whose parents are divorcing fear being abandoned. They have trouble trusting that their world won’t come crashing down around them again. Because of this, divorcing parents need to repeatedly tell their children that they love them and that even though one parent is moving out, they will always be there for them. Parents who tenderly reassure their children of their continued love and commitment can do a lot to put their child’s mind and heart at ease even in the midst of divorce-turmoil. If a child doesn’t feel loved and safe, he will have a hard time facing life’s other challenges (Proverbs 13:12). Your reassurance can also plant a seed of future confidence that God will take care of them.
Not only are verbal expressions of your love important, but also working hard to show your love through your actions. Creating a stable home life is a high priority and demonstrates that your children are important to you. Try to keep most of the routines the same. For example, if at all possible, don’t change schools. If the children were involved in any school, church, or community activities before the divorce, do your best to keep them involved in those same activities. Minimizing change can help kids stay connected to their lives before divorce. Of course, some things will change, but consistent routines and maintaining the same support system (friends and family) throughout the experience can help children cope better with the emotional pain and confusion.
Another important principle from the Bible is that that we can be honest and open about our feelings. This honest expression of our true emotions can set us free from unhealthy patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving (Psalms 107:6, 13, 19, 28; 118:5). Children who go through the divorce of their parents experience an assortment of emotions such as anger, sadness, and guilt. Keeping these feelings inside inhibits children from growing. It also creates tension within them and they “act out” what they’re feeling, usually in unhealthy ways. The problem is that it’s difficult for many children to know what they’re feeling and to recognize how their feelings influence their behavior. Parents can help their children by encouraging (not forcing) them to express their emotions through talking, art, music, or some other form of communication. Then talk together about the feelings and connect them to their behavior (“You hit your brother because you felt angry”). Help the child see that there are better ways to cope with the emotion (“Let’s talk about some other ways you can express your anger”). At times, a child can hide his feelings to the extent that the parent can’t make the connection between the emotion and the behavior. It’s at this point that many parents have benefited from seeking the help and advice of a counselor or a psychologist.
Every divorce is different. But they produce common problems: fear of abandonment, adjustment issues, and difficulty in communicating feelings. Parents who express their love to their children through reassurance, stability, and giving them the freedom and opportunity to express their feelings can help their children cope with the turmoil of divorce.
Recommended Reading:
1. Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastle’s Way by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C. with Patricia Romanowski (Random House, 1998.)
2. Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (Marlowe & Company, New York)
