There are many ways parents can cultivate a strong bond with their older children and help them through difficult times, and one of the most effective ways is simply by listening to them. Patient and genuine listening builds a bridge to your teen that conveys understanding and compassion, which is what teens need to help them through these transitional years.
Focusing on what your child is saying involves nonjudgmentally repeating back to him what you hear him saying, empathizing with his feelings, not criticizing him, and not being too anxious to give advice until he feels understood.
The following is an example of a conversation that can digress into pushing an adolescent away, causing distance between parent and teen.
Bridge-burning:
Parent: “Why are you getting a failing grade in science?”
Teen: “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”
Parent: “Sounds like to me that you have a pretty bad attitude. Your teacher is there to help you, she’s not an idiot.”
Teen: “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade! That’s how stupid she is.”
Parent: “Well that’s what you get for procrastinating and being so unorganized! You’re grounded for a week.”
Does this example mean that questions like “Why are you getting a failing grade?” or statements such as “Your attitude is bad” are inappropriate for a parent to say to a child? Of course not. There are times when it would be negligent not to speak the truth to a teen who’s showing a pattern of negative thinking and behaving (Proverbs 13:24; Ephesians 4:15). Without your teaching, he or she most likely will continue down this destructive path. Parents should continue to give clear direction and guidance to their teens until they become adults.
The problem isn’t having an occasional negative discussion. If parents are doing a decent job of guiding their teen, heated disagreements are common. So it’s not a matter of having the “perfect” dialogue. But when negative conversations become a pattern of relating to our teenagers, when more often than not, our teen stomps off angry and we’re left feeling disappointed, walls are built, instead of bridges. Parents become more frustrated and teens feel misunderstood and disconnected from us (Ephesians 6:4; James 1:19).
Here is an example of a bridge-building conversation that can help an adolescent feel heard and understood. This is merely an illustration, not a script guaranteeing a conflict-free conversation. But it can give parents an idea how to better communicate care to their teens (Ephesians 4:29).
Bridge-building:
Parent: “I noticed that you’re struggling in science. Can you tell me about that class? What’s it like for you?”
Teen: “I hate that class. It’s so stupid, the teacher is an idiot.”
Parent: “It sounds like you’re really struggling, especially with your teacher.”
Teen: “I turned in an assignment late and she marked me down one letter grade! That’s how stupid she is.”
Parent: “I’m sorry that happened.”
Teen: “Whatever. I hate science and I always will. I’m just dumb I guess.”
Parent: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with this class. But believe me, you’re anything but dumb. I think you have what it takes to make it in this class. If you want to talk about how to get that grade up, just let me know. I may have some ideas for you.”
A teen is more likely to feel heard and be open to further discussion as a result of this type of conversation.
Empathic listening isn’t the only answer to all problems we face with teens, but many of us parents could probably use it more than we do. And if you feel you’ve done more bridge-burning than bridge-building with your teen, and he seems to drift further away from you, it’s not too late to, in the course of a conversation, turn things around and start listening. It sounds simple, but it can actually have a terrific payoff in your relationship.
